Fidough is the new star of Pokémon Scarlet, Violet Internet Decrees

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Today’s edition of Pokémon Direct brought us a lot of that Pokemon Scarlet and Violet News, and of course there were glimpses of some freshly revealed Generation IX monsters. The standout is the inexplicable Fidough, a cute little pup who appears to be…uncooked bread?

So what do we know about this carbohydrate-based life form? We know they are from the Paldea region that you are of the fairy type and perhaps most of all we can be sure that you are a very good boy.

Except. “Fidough’s moist, smooth skin has elastic properties while being firm and soft at the same time,” begins the chilly description in Nintendo’s official press release. no No, no, not “moist”, never “moist”.

Today’s presentation described it as “delightfully squishy Pokemon that’s smooth to the touch.” I don’t like anything about that sentence either. They sound like those squishies toys that were a short-lived rage a few years ago. Are they also scented? Can you squeeze them all small and expand them again? Or would that smother a fidough and you’d have another hour and a half to prove it?

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The press release goes on (and I warn you, it does Not get better), “When these Pokémon become excited, they intimidate their opponents by inflating their bodies to appear larger. Fidough ferments things around him with the yeast on his breath. Yeast is useful for cooking, so this Pokémon has long been protected by humans.”

actually what. It just ferments stuff? Because of… the yeast… on his breath? This is… this is thrush. This puppy has thrush.

Look, I can’t pretend to be okay with edible-looking Pokemon. Last time we landed with the delicious looking LeChonk, a pig-like mon that would fit nicely into a freshly baked fidough, right? Hot Diggity Dog.

It’s only been a little over an hour since the latest trailer, but the pup is already proving a hit with fan artists who are obsessed with Fidough. Maybe they don’t know the yeast?

We also learned today about the Paldean Form Wooper, who lives in the countryside and, ahem, “covers his body in a poisonous film.” It swaps water-type for poison while staying grounded, this version purple instead of blue and with bone-shaped instead of spike-shaped appendages sticking out of its head.

And then there’s Cetitan, an angry-looking Ice-type Tera Whale Pokémon that seems to focus on powerful physical attacks, using the horribly named Fat Fat and Slush Rush abilities.

I’m sorry if you came here to cover the incredibly cute looking bread dog and instead got the news that he’s both “moist and smooth” and suffering from an oral yeast infection. This is not my responsibility. I’m just reporting the facts.