Ask Amy: Can I invite my nieces but not their narcissistic mother?

Over the years my relationship with my SIL has deteriorated to the point where she refuses to speak to me and we are forced to have separate family vacations.

I would never invite this person to any event, but her daughters and I have a loving relationship.

Do you think it is appropriate to only address the invitation to my nieces? I would really miss her presence, but I cannot bear the thought of her mother being present on this special day.

Expected: In my view, it’s not appropriate to invite your nieces to your baby shower without also inviting their mother – but I don’t live in your family and have no specific insight. (Your brother could give you a specific suggestion.)

Understand that if you invite your nieces (and not their mother) there is a good chance that their mother will not let them attend without her. In addition, you would likely give your sister-in-law further “evidence” of crimes against the family that she believes you have already committed.

All I’m suggesting is that whatever course you take, be prepared for fallout.

Narcissists have a grandiose idea that the world revolves around them, so your sister-in-law would interpret your every action solely in relation to her.

I accept your assumption that things are so bad between the two of you adults that you find them unbearable, but understand that as you move forward – now with a child of your own – this practice of celebrating separate holidays etc. balances out becomes more complicated. Some families manage to form parallel relationships where individuals can gather as part of a group without interacting personally, but if you can’t, then continue to do your best to have a continuing healthy and full relationship with your nieces .

dear amy: I would like to inform my children about my intended distribution of my estate after my death.

How can I lovingly inherit my money without “celebrating”?

I have three daughters. Only one is married and has two children.

In making my will, I want to leave 2 percent of my remaining funds to each of my grandchildren and divide the balance equally between my three daughters, each 32 percent.

I’m afraid one of them will view this distribution as if their married sibling gets a larger share (assuming that the 2 percent should come from the fair third of the married daughter).

I would like input from you and the readers on my proposed plan and how to overcome any negative feelings on the part of one of my daughters.

planning: Your planned distribution of your wealth appears just and fair. Many people choose to donate to grandchildren and other family members separately from their own children. It’s your money and you have the right to spend it however you want!

Given how carefully you have worked this out, I wonder why you feel compelled to share these details with your daughters.

You say you want to inform them and obviously expect someone to object. If so, you should prepare. She will have to recover from her own disappointment.

If she remains unattached and childless, she will be spared at least one experience: the fear you are experiencing now.

I’ll be happy to elaborate on readers’ responses.

dear amy: I loved your reply to “Tricked teachers‘, where these retired parents continue to give money to their daughter and granddaughter and are met with mocked responses.

I loved that you exclaimed what daughter “Clare” is: “…a entitled, incompetent, needy and angry adult.”

More people like this need to be called out for their behavior. The parents who give more than they get don’t deserve that treatment, and neither does the rest of society.

cheers: One concern I had was that by being so generous, the elderly couple might actually harm their own financial future.

Financial literacy begins in childhood, and when parents teach their children to earn and spend wisely, those children grow into confident, self-supporting (and often generous) adults. This training is a true gift.

©2022 by Amy Dickinson, distributed by Tribune Content Agency